I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
