My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
