every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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