i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize