I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize