What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
