nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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