If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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