God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
