you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
