I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
