ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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