Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
