Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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