why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
