He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
