my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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