remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize