Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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