I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
