So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
