God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
