My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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