apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My balls are so social today.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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