my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize