there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
