Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
