I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize