you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
