I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
