What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize