I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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