we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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