it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
