Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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