I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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