You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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