he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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