I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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