her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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