he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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