he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize