Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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