my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
