Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
