Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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