Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
