I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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