Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
