There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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