just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
