don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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