If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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