Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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