dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
