I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
