people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
