Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
