I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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