i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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